Addictions

Addictions are things that you just can't shake. Even if you work hard at overcoming them. And addictions don't have to neccessarily be drugs and things like that. Recently, I've been wanting to self-harm again. Thankfully, I have not given in to this urge.

Several years ago, my cutting was getting out of control. The last time I hurt myself in that manner, I had to get stitches. It's now been over 2 years. February 9, 2009 was the last time I cut myself. That night, I cut my writst. I wasn't trying to commit suicide. I just wanted to feel relief. Relief from my problems, everything, and cutting seemed to give that to me. At least temporarily.

Each cut only gave me relief for a short time, and then I had to cut again. It was a vicious cycle and I couldn't get out of it. So, what made me change? That night, the last time I cut, that was the worst that I have ever cut. I just kept applying pressure to the blade on my wrist. More and more pressure. That night, I managed to cut a tendon in my writst.

The sight of that, hit me, and hit me hard. So, that was the very last time that I cut, but now it's getting hard to fight that addiction again. I've wanted so badly this past week to just give up. I keep thinking that two years means nothing, although I know that is far from the truth. In my heart at least. It's been getting harder to fight it. Michael has been a great help with this. He hasn't given up on me, and I can talk to him when it gets too hard. I trust him, and am able to open up to him well.

Another thing I've been fighting, is wanting to go back to my old eating habits. If you can call them that. With the warm weather, I want to have the perfect body, which I definitely don't as of right now. I want to go back to the whole not-eating, and working-out too much. I've been trying to convince myself that it would be remarkably easy to hide. From Michael and from his family.

That's another reason that I haven't done either of these. Michael's family. They've all been there for me, and are always willing to help me. Especially Dad. Dad has pulled me aside more than once, and is highly interesting in hearing what I have to say.

I don't know why I'm writing this, but I felt like I should. I haven't given in to either, and I don't plan to. I have people that I can talk to, heck, just writing this, is much better than I was in the past. Maybe that's why I felt pushed to write this. maybe it's more for me than for anyone else. I'm proud of how far I've come, and I'm going to continue working on this. Like all addictions, it won't go away, but I can work on managing it.