I decided the other day that I needed to write more about my experiences and maybe even what I've learned from them. The other day I wrote a post entitled "I Am A Cutter" and found it healthy for me to get it into writing. This might become a regular thing and it might not. We'll see. Some of these posts may not actually make it all the way to the published stage. Again, we'll see.
What is depression? Webster's dictionary defined depression as: 1) a depressing or being depressed; 2) a hollow or low place; 3) low spirits, dejection; 4) a condition marked by hopelessness, self-doubt, lethargy, etc. While these definitions are all true, they do not share the utter despair one feels when depressed. And no you cannot just "get over it." I'm here to say-depression is real and it sucks! It worms its way into your mind, usually a little a time, and convinces you of things that are untrue. Its a constant battle. There are times when the best you can do is simply to open your eyes in the morning. That's sometimes all you literally handle with depression. Everything else just doesn't matter.
Sometimes the depression will become so severe, that you can't even open your eyes in the morning. You sleep to ignore the world and you start wishing you never had to deal with living anymore. Suddenly, thoughts of suicide come into your mind and before you know it, you have attempted suicide. I have reached that point many times and each time I remember thinking that everyone would be better without me. My last attempt, coincidentally, coincides with my last self-injury. May of 2012. Surprised to find out about that? Yeah.. Most people are. I tried overdosing on some prescription pain medications, but thankfully, I have what I call a "fail-safe." There is at least a small part of me that doesn't want to give up, and I will let someone know what I've done. (Yes, I'm thankful for that now, but I can honestly tell you I wasn't at the time.)
It is likely that I will deal with this debilitating mental illness the rest of my life, but I'm getting better. The fight has not gotten easier at all, but I'm learning different coping methods. I'm learning to talk to those around me and now blogging and get it out in the open. Having depression doesn't make me less of a person, it's just like any physical illness-you just can't see it. It's always there waiting for me to think one negative thought, or to have one bad day. It's there. Waiting for me to mess up and just that quick I'm ensnared again. I do the best I can and sometimes that's not very much. Please don't judge me for having my mind attack me. Please don't tell me to just get over it, pray harder, or read my scriptures more. It's not just going to go away-no matter how much faith I have.
When I was younger, and first investigating the LDS church, I was told over and over again to simply pray for it to go away or to read my scriptures more fervently or or or. But it doesn't work that way. Sometimes, those wonderful activities don't even make it easier and that's okay. I'm still a good person. I'm still fighting, which means I haven't completely given up. When I had those misled perceptions constantly pushed at me, I felt that I wasn't doing the best I could be, that I wasn't worthy, that I have faith, and about a billion other things. This misconception needs to be changed. Depression is real-I can't stress that enough.
So, what can you do if someone you know has the struggle of depression? First, don't belittle them or tell them "to get over it," "pray harder," or "have more faith." These people already have a lot on their plates. For pete's sake, their mind is rebelling against them! It's not easy and it can't just be wished away. Second, love them. Let them know you love them. Let them know you're thinking of them. Let them talk to you; sometimes having someone they can talk to makes all the difference. Third, don't push them away because they're being difficult. These are the times they really NEED people in their lives, though usually this is the time they have less because a lot of people don't understand what is happening. If they try to push you away, gently but firmly let them know you're not going anywhere- and you don't want them to either.
Depression is dark. Very dark. Your thoughts are not your own and sometimes you don't know where to turn. If you're reading this because you too have depression, know that I understand. I understand the stigma associated with a word like depression and how hard it is to constantly have to be vigilant. I understand the darkness.
So HELPFUL, Yannie. Thanks for the courage to be open. I remember seeing a panel of famous and coincidentally chronically depressed people (including Anne Bancroft, Rosalind Carter, and Dana Carvey). Carvey said that in the throes of that kind of depression, if someone you trusted said that the cure to the depression was across the room from you, it would be too much trouble to get up and walk across the room to get the cure. My mother in law was like that during the time she lived with us (5 years), and I saw it in action. Well, in inaction. You are and will be in my prayers, and thank you for the good your blog is going to do. XO, AnneC
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