I Am A Cutter

I am a cutter. 

That's not what most people expect to read, but unfortunately it is true. I began harming myself when I was thirteen and it quickly became a drug to me. Every day I added more cuts to my arms, legs, and stomach until have many wasn't helping me feel better, so I started cutting deeper and deeper. Eventually it led to me having to get stitches. This was a way I could feel better, simply because I was feeling. Looking back, I realized it was also a way for me to plead for help when I was too terrified to voice my feelings, but then I was scared to accept the help. It was horrible and I knew it, but I couldn't stop.

It hit me recently how many people had tried to help me, but at the time I didn't feel that anyone was there. I tried to continue on and just pretend it was fine. I tried ignoring this addiction. I always failed. It became something I had to do even when I wasn't being bothered by something at that moment. It was my comfort object. I could rely on cutting- it was always accessible. I was in control. I could feel. 

As I grew older, I started to become embarrassed by my scars, so I would swear that I would stop. But then I would have a trigger and go into autopilot mode and cut, which would then make me embarrassed and I would swear that that was the last time. But it wasn't. This cycle repeated for a few years. What made the change? Realizing that there were people in my life, who weren't leaving, loved me for me, and fought with me to stop the behavior. I learned that people really cared. 

So, why did I proclaim I am a cutter if I've stopped? Because I will always have this addiction. Much a recovering alcoholic will always be an alcoholic. I have to constantly fight. It has been roughly 14 months since I have self-harmed, and I still find myself slipping into that autopilot mode which leads to cutting, but I have tools now I didn't have when I was thirteen. I have the ability to talk to others and clue them in. I have the gift of writing on a blog about my struggles. (You wouldn't believe how much this one helps me, as I'm suddenly accountable to the entire interweb.) But that want is still there and may never go away, and that is why I am still a cutter. It will become easier I'm sure, however, it's not quite there just yet. I am not quitting this fight, and I may stumble at times, but I know I have many people who are willing to catch me and are fighting on my side.