In 2004, I was raped by someone I did not know. I felt worthless and like trash. I was used garbage that no one would want. I was afraid that if anyone found out what had happened, they would ignore me, or worse blame me. That is exactly what happened-at first. I was treated the way I felt- like trash that needed to be gotten rid of as soon as possible. My friends that knew tried to support me to the best of their knowledge, but the damage was done. I was tainted. Even after marrying Michael I felt like I didn't deserve to live nor was I healthy enough to fully appreciate someone who truly believed that I was special and untainted.
The past two weeks I have been attending Intensive Outpatient Therapy through Provo Canyon Behavourial Hospital. The last couple days we have been talking about cognitive distortions-those thoughts we all have that are false-and how to challenge those thoughts by looking at the evidence both for the thought and against the thought. At first I thought that I would never be able to apply these principles to my thoughts, but I decided to try it.
I wrote down the situation, my initial thought and emotion, evidence for and against that initial thought, and then the realistic thought. So, what was that initial thought? I'm sure you can guess. It was "I'm worthless and it is all my fault." Do you how twisted that is? Someone took advantage of me, destroying themself in the process, and I thought it was my fault?! That was what I realized today.
It wasn't my fault.
It wasn't my fault.
It wasn't my fault.
I finally knew the truth. I am a worthwhile person with a lot of people that love and care about me. It wasn't my fault that a man in his thirties raped a girl in her teens. It wasn't my fault that someone cared so little about themselves that they had to hurt a young girl to try to make themselves feel manly. It wasn't about me. It was about him. It was his decision. Yes it affected me, but he's the one that's going to have to answer for that.
Today I realized that I am no longer his victim. He no longer has control over me. Today I was able to get my head out of the water and breathe for the first time in eleven years, and it felt amazing. I suddenly felt like I could fly. I felt genuinely happy. I've let it go. I'll always remember that incident, but I can finally look back on it for what it is- a true learning experience.
