Sound of Silence

Sometimes with BiPolar there comes a special kind of challenge- noise sensitivity. Now not everyone gets to deal with this but I want to share with you my brand of NS.

 

Imagine for a moment you are in a quiet room. Close your eyes. Listen to what you hear. Maybe a clock ticking? Maybe a floorboard creak? Maybe if it's quiet enough you can hear your heart beating? 

For me, when my NS decides to flare, because it cycles along with my moods, I hear EVERYTHING. The birds singing. The branch creaking with the bird's weight. Electricity buzzing. The clock ticking. The bed settling. Animals eating and playing. My hair as it moves. The neighbor's shower. My heartbeat. The floor creaking. Everything. 

Now I've always had sensitive ears- picking up on things no human should be able to hear such as dog whistles. I could hear them and it would make me want to cry. Looking back I could see where NS was playing a part in my behaviour. However, in the last year it has gotten horrible at times. 

The first time my husband found me crumpled on the floor, covering my ears and crying because it was all just too loud, he tried pulling me in a hug against his heartbeat-which is usually a comfort. This time it was just another noise and I pushed him away. He finally heard me say, "everything is just too loud. I can't..." and jumped up to grab his noise cancelling headphones. Plopped them on me and although it wasn't perfect it helped drastically, and that's how I cope now. I go into the bedroom with noise cancelling headphones and avoid sounds.

 

Though there are some days where my NS overwhelms me and it feels like static assaulting me, where my eardrums vibrate and try to jump out of my body, the majority of the days my NS isn't so bad and I can do cool things like pick up my phone before a notification/call/alarm goes off because the air changes a split second beforehand. Or know exactly what the kids are up to from several room away. Or or or. My husband teases me sometimes I have a super power because his hearing has never been this sharp, and that's how I try to view this. A gift. A super power. Anything to put a positive spin on those days I'm not able to do much more than sit with noise cancelling headphones.

There are positives in every situation and I need to do better at remembering that, but it's not all horrible and life really is amazing even with challenges. Isn't that what makes life flavourful? 

LOVES!!!

Snowballing It

Recently I was being a slug again. A depressed slug with NO motivation. Not even a morsel. And my entire apartment was a complete disaster- but especially my living room.

Guys. In that moment I was utterly disgusted with myself. Why couldn't I just pick up? My family deserves better. I'm scum. I'm terrible. Think of every negative you've EVER thought to yourself and I was probably thinking it about myself. Because isn't that what brains do? And isn't it so hard to stop those thoughts and actually BELIEVE positives about yourself?

UGH!

There I am kinda dying inside and screaming all these super negatives at myself and I glance down at my foot. Because feet aren't super gross at all and I super love them. *rolls eyes* Anyway, I look at my foot and I see a piece of trash RIGHT BY MY FOOT!

So I picked it up and I had the thought "may as well pick up the one near that one too." So I did. Here's the cool part, it kept growing and I didn't even realize it. Here I am still muttering to myself about not being good enough and I'm vacuuming the dang floor. VACUUMING!!!!!! My motivation effort to loathe myself just a little bit less, caused me to pick up one piece of trash and then the whole room. 

I know these days and thoughts so well. I've danced and tangled with them for as long as I can remember, but I also know that by snowballing it I make it through the day. Well, my alarm went off. Better kill that and while I'm up I'll go to the bathroom. Since I'm in here I may as well shower. It's sucks sometimes and there are times it feels as though my bed is literally sucking me in and has claimed me. But in 27 years my mental illness has not won. I have won. I have fought on days I don't feel like fighting. And some of those days I'm only up and fighting because I have a person acting as a pillar behind me- you are not alone. Whoever you are reading this right now, I'm your pillar. I'm cheering for you. Because you are important and worth it. 

LOVES!!!

When it Rains...

When it rains, it pours. I have heard that old adage a lot the last few months and have been guilty of saying it myself. More than I'll ever own up to. No, really, you don't want to know just how often I muttered it to myself or whined it to another human. Because isn't it easy to just see the negatives and confirm to yourself that only negative is happening. To only see the rain. Sure is for me.  

I was driving with my kids and they were being...kids...but I'm pretty sure not the humanoid kind, the literal goat kind. Fighting. Bouncing. Screaming. And my poor head was not up to handling them again. So I did the only reasonable thing- I started whining it to myself because so so so much was weighing down on me. Then my thoughts started wandering, which is dangerous in my mind-the exits are not clearly marked, and I began pondering springtime with rainstorms and sometimes downpours. Sometimes these storms can bring traffic to a halt and cause a disruption, but no matter how hard or how long they last they must come to an end. At the completion we find life renewed.

Did you catch that? Even the longest and hardest of storms come to an end and life is renewed. That. That slammed me in the chest and I'm pretty sure I stopped breathing for a second. My personal storms never last and at the finish there is so much good that came from it. So many blessings and tiny miracles I can see with the clouds gone from view.

You guys! I can't even word this. lskejrohsgh;lsha;ksjdjhnfsnglkj sjhgf;sjhd;flkjas. That's what happens when I try, but I wanted to tell you in my mixed up way that YOUR own storms will end. YOUR life is beautiful and YOUR life will be renewed. This is not going to beat you down.

LOVES!