Snowballing It

Recently I was being a slug again. A depressed slug with NO motivation. Not even a morsel. And my entire apartment was a complete disaster- but especially my living room.

Guys. In that moment I was utterly disgusted with myself. Why couldn't I just pick up? My family deserves better. I'm scum. I'm terrible. Think of every negative you've EVER thought to yourself and I was probably thinking it about myself. Because isn't that what brains do? And isn't it so hard to stop those thoughts and actually BELIEVE positives about yourself?

UGH!

There I am kinda dying inside and screaming all these super negatives at myself and I glance down at my foot. Because feet aren't super gross at all and I super love them. *rolls eyes* Anyway, I look at my foot and I see a piece of trash RIGHT BY MY FOOT!

So I picked it up and I had the thought "may as well pick up the one near that one too." So I did. Here's the cool part, it kept growing and I didn't even realize it. Here I am still muttering to myself about not being good enough and I'm vacuuming the dang floor. VACUUMING!!!!!! My motivation effort to loathe myself just a little bit less, caused me to pick up one piece of trash and then the whole room. 

I know these days and thoughts so well. I've danced and tangled with them for as long as I can remember, but I also know that by snowballing it I make it through the day. Well, my alarm went off. Better kill that and while I'm up I'll go to the bathroom. Since I'm in here I may as well shower. It's sucks sometimes and there are times it feels as though my bed is literally sucking me in and has claimed me. But in 27 years my mental illness has not won. I have won. I have fought on days I don't feel like fighting. And some of those days I'm only up and fighting because I have a person acting as a pillar behind me- you are not alone. Whoever you are reading this right now, I'm your pillar. I'm cheering for you. Because you are important and worth it. 

LOVES!!!